Priors Hall Golf Club - Members Blog

Members Blog

18 02 21
I can't believe it again. I am beginning to sound like Victor Abrahams.
Me and Michael were drawn with Racing Snake Ryan Genner and Chief window Callum again. Not only that, we were out last. I don't know what Jerry has done to Mr Graeme but he is certainly off bottom spot now and us lot are on it. We have a tee time of four thirty.
It seems late but there were twenty two societies out this morning, all of them watching the PGA last night taking six and a half hours to go round. CoaB.
I decide to go upstairs to get a roll but Davy duly tells me he doesn't have time as he has forty two breakfasts to get for the 'We've never played golf before but how hard can it be society' and the 'WOTW Society' They said it stood for Writers of the Wirral Society. I said it was "Wankers of the Week Society".
Any roads up back to David Byrne, who does he think he is.
I stride right up to him and exclaim. "Excuse me but I eat here every week, I am not one of these lot who show up here once a year and except to be waited on hand and foot"
"Yes" he says "I understand, but they pay"
Some people can be so picky about little things.

Anyway we set off about ten to four.
It gets embarrassing taking money of the children every week but they need to learn.

Quick quiz.
Which is the odd one out?

Answer at the bottom of this blog.
They won the long drives but we humped them on the front nine, back nine, game, oozlers, goozlers, gritters, stritters, shitters and the gazunters.

Glad to see Myckie the Pyckie has started talking to Callum again. He has had a petted lip since Callum teamed up with racing snake for the doubles. To console himself Myckie got a new a gun and his mum has been teaching him how to use it.

Good luck to Michael Jaff who is taking a crash course this week to learn how to drive a truck.
I kid you not, his words.

Briggsy had to get of early because he had to take his Mum shopping for new hold ups.
He never said if the hold ups were for him or his mum.

Can you help?
Craig John is looking for Foster parents if you can help. He used to have a father but he left him some time ago. If you could home him, feed him and perhaps play golf with him for a couple of hours on the odd Saturday I am sure Craig John would be most grateful. As for Nature Boy Nick I am sure we will see you in Skeggie on Captains weekend full of mouth ulcers.

Another quick odd one out quiz.

Absolutely right. There isn't one. They all pixxed off when the going got tough.
Ketrin Keith is a born again Mackem. (I'll be long dead in my deep dark grave before I recognise them as the Black Cats). He had opted out for a bit but now that they are winning again he has renewed his membership to the "Sometimes I'm a loyal Sunderland supporters club" as opposed to the "Now and again depending on how they are doing Sunderland supporters club".
Anyway, gets to the sixth today and he does a Shergar. Disappears off the face of the earth. No sign of him. Leaves poor old shot of the daaaaaaaaay Bubbles to suffer on his own. Transpires he was wet and cold so he phoned Maureen and she told him to come straight home. So he did. Still the Mackems did it over Arsenal this time.

Robo Captain has been at it again. Rather than go back to work he says he has hurt his arm by pen pushing. He said he has sitonyerarsitis yelazyshittincratur or something like that in his wrist.
CoaB

I don't think anybody from where he works reads the blog so it is okay to tell you there didn't seem a lot wrong with him when he was playing golf, then pool, then helping the "Wankers of the Week Society" to push their bus when it wouldn't start. For info half the Wankers group stayed on the bus because they thought the extra weight would help start the bus with the extra momentum. Who says we are wasting our taxes on state education.

But what do I know.

He said he was in pain. Racing Snake looked in more pain when doughnut Callum missed a foot putt on the first to lose the hole.
Oh! sorry I gave you the answer to the first odd one out quiz.
I am sure you all got it anyway. That's right there wasn't an odd one out, all three are doughnuts.

That will teach the wee sheite to keep saying miss miss miss when I'm putting for a two on the fifth from a foot. It rimmed the hole but still went in.
I shouldn't have said that, Pykiy Micky will be all excited again.

If you scroll down to the blog of the 21st you will see a picture of Rob D and racing snake dressed in identical attire.
CoaB they were at it again yesterday.
This the picture from the 21st

This is the picture from yesterday

Even more scary on the course they had the same wet weather bottoms and the same colour and type of shoe.

I am off to a bike show today without Tommy the Tanker. He is off to Chester to help his daughter move house. I wonder if he will find it. If last weeks antics are anything to go by I doubt it.

Keep your head still
Dougal

11 02 21
I can't believe it, I have just been to the course and Craig John says it is closed, "What all of it, aren't there any clear bits?" I exclaim.
What to do now, no decent Rugby today, Scotland are playing tomorrow and Brechin games will be postponed till about mid May.

Well done to John Lenaghan, the cheetin wee bxxxxxd. He shot 31 points in last weeks seniors mid week eclectic. I partnered him the other week and the only thing 31 about him was the number of putts he had over the eleven holes. I think it is a seniors thing, just have the score they think they got or the number of balls they have lost, it's a memory thing.

With nothing to do it has given me time to finish off my first book. No not the old 'do think you will read another one routine'.
I have listed the chapters as a bit of tempter.
You can download it on www.bagashyte.com

This new book gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information gained through years of experience.
Highlights include
Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Maxfli from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee. According to Colin he says he has also seen this done with different colour balls if you deliver BMW's. Apparently it comes from years of army training.
Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker (also see Chapter 8)
Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank, thank you to Briggsy for the indepth analysis.
Chapter 5 - The benefits of off the green gimmies.
Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management Thank you to Sconnel and The Tanker for an insight to their world.
Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m. for nothing. Thank you to Graeme for some great tips.
Chapter 9 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water.
Chapter 10- How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee
Chapter 11- When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent. Thank you to Asher and Draper for !!!!!!
Chapter 12- When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever.

To save members time I was going to list other relevant chapters for certain members but a smack on the nose takes a long time to get over when you are old and cold.

Also includes the latest GOLF terms
A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole, can someone explain this to Craig John.
A Diego Maradonna - a very nasty 5 footer, this can also apply to Teves, Danny DeVito and Callum.
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
A Rio Ferdinand - Lipped out
A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't. Could be Craig John again or Callum.
A Cuban - needs one more revolution
An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim. CoaB not Craig John and Callum again.
An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker
A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand. Could be half the club.
A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect, I am saying nothing.
A Kate Moss - bit thin. Young Farr and Lammy.
A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional
A Rodney King - over-clubbed
An O. J. Simpson - got away with it
A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems. Not Craig and Callum again
An elephant's arse - high and shitty. we've only got low and shitty members.
A condom - safe but didn't feel real good. This does not apply to Crag John .
A circus tent - a BIG top. Please do not confuse this with a Davy's shirt.
An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result
A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it
A Ryanair - flies well but lands a long way from the target

As you have nothing to do this weekend here are two good websites.
www.conjunctavitas.com - it is a sight for sore eyes.
www.potsofart.com - Very good getting tips and for buying pottery.
www.expertsexchange.com - This for computer nerds to exchange views, ideas and tips. Apologies to Callum and Craig John who jumped on here before I had time to explain what it was.

It is not all bad news. Tommy the Tanker has joined Manton. He couldn't find his Priors handicap so gave them his Grampian one so is quite happy back playing off twenty.
I had a most enjoyable day with him last week at a bike show in London. The Tanker is one of those persons with twenty twenty hindsight. He tells you after the event what you should have done. First mistake, we get to Kettering railway station. As we stand on platform three, "the London train always goes from here" remarks the Tanker, we watch as the 7.28 on Platform one full of happy smiling day trippers slowly pulls out of the station.
We arrive an hour late at St Pancras so we start to run to get the London Dockland Light railway. Having lived in and worked around London the Tanker is an experienced Capital City traveller. By the way I used the word run in it's very loosest sense. Breathless and waving a ticket at the man on the gate we managed to jump on the train just about to leave. "Shouldn't the sun be in front of us" I happen to remark as we are supposed to be heading to the East side of London. "Boxxxxks" the Tanker comes up with as a good solution to our mishap. Off at the next station, running again over the bridge because the train coming the other way has just entered the station. Good record so far, out of three trains we have caught the right one once. And that was at Corby, where there is only one train.
After the show we head back off to London to visit a great pub the Tanker knows just round the corner from the Angel Islington underground station. After we have walked about seven miles the tanker suggest that they may have pulled it down and redeveloped the area as it does not look familiar any more. "Or was the pub at Tottenham Court Road" he muses. CoaB.
A flash of inspiration and he has us on a bus going back to St Pancras, it is okay because "all the busses from here go to St Pancras" pontificates the Tanker. After twenty minutes on the bus "Perhaps we should we ask somebody where we are going" I timidly mutter. The driver tells us we should have been on the bus behind this one, but we have missed the the Station by six stops by now anyway. Running again across the road we get the bus back to where we started and get the right bus, we noticed they have destinations printed on the front of the bus. What a good idea. In a pub at St Pancras I am ready to enjoy a well deserved pint of the local brew Courage Bombardier.
The Tanker then starts "What we should have done"
It was worth wasting the beer and he soon dried out when we got back on the Kettering train.

An update on Walters struggle to ensure his proposal at the AGM to pay an extra 50p on competition entry fees was a good investment as he only plays four competitions per year. This was as opposed to paying an extra fiver on the annual subs. If he goes over ten games then it was a big mistake.
Table 1. : Walters record of competitions played since the AGM.

Date	Competition	Score	Financial cost	Cumulative starting with	Positive / Negative
	Opening balance			£ 5.00
12/11/2011	Winter League Week 2	25 points	minus 50 pence	£ 4.50	positive
19/11/2011	Winter League Week 3	25 points	minus 50 pence	£ 4.00	positive
03/12/2011	Winter League Week 5	21 points	minus 50 pence	£ 3.50	positive
17/12/2011	Winter League Week 6	No return	minus 50 pence	£ 3.00	positive
31/12/2011	Winter League Week 8	21 points	minus 50 pence	£ 2.50	positive
07/01/2012	Winter League Week 9	17 points	minus 50 pence	£ 2.00	positive
14/01/2012	Winter League Week 10	20 points	minus 50 pence	£ 1.50	positive
11/02/2012	Winter Doubles with Shay	20 points	minus 50 pence	£ 1.00	positive

Down to £1 in credit it is starting to get a little close. Two more competitions and Walter is at break even.
However Walter is right so far it was still in his interest to have paid the 50p competition entry fee rather than the extra fiver on the subscriptions.

Keep you head still

Jack

21 01 12
Couple of areas we need to address this week. Slow play, scientology, theft, technology and job lots for sale.
Firstly we need to stamp down hard on the slow play that is permeating through the game of golf. It was the first round of the winter doubles today and I was out first with my partner top chap and excellent player Mr Michael Craddock. We were accompanied by two of the children, Racing Snake Ryan G and Chief Window Callum (sixth in line in the Farr household, don't forget the dog). This is the third week running I have been put with racing snake, Chambers is stsrting to notice. I think they put us out first as we are all quick players who are always ready to start on time and we play so well we don't have to look for balls. We just drop one if we cant find the first one, it is a lot quicker and does save a lot of time. If you want to speed your round up we also thoroughly recommend retrospective gimmies on the putting green. If you made a reasonable effort at a putt over ten feet and it just misses we count that as in. This saves all the time of having to take some time in ensuring you make the short putts. The other one is the off the green gimmies that are very popular with my team. We did get held up a bit by Craig John who we had great sympathy for as he had Captain Alun the Jonah marking his card for him. If you are confused why he was on his own and it was a doubles competition it was because his Dad is fixed to Skegness by a Bungee rope. He keeps getting catapulted back there very regularly.
We are very embarrassed that we campaigned last week to get Jiller moved up the tee off list and lo and behold he loses a hole. He will probably be back at his more comfortable last off slot next week. The real problem came with the next squad who managed to lose three holes. Biggest problem was Oompa loompa impersonator Ketrin with his twenty one inch legs. He can't get them to go quick enough. Poor old Vice Captain Lenaghan was obviously affected by the slow play and it did affect his game. I will ask Jack to ensure they are at the back of the field if they enter things like the Higgs bowl.

We are pleased to announce that one of our midst has found salvation. As one of our top executives in the Emo's it was always a good chance that Freeby would move on to bigger and better things and he has. He has become a scientologist and has found his scores have got a lot better. We have not seen Thomas for a couple of weeks because he has joined them. It all went well for him until they organised outings to each others house to look at each others telescopes. The problem occurred when they went to Thomas's house and his was fixed on the girls school across the road.

That is all the good news I am afraid. We need to move on to a really despicable situation caused by some unknown deviants. It transpires that someone has stolen a small dogs coat. This is Drapers wife's new dog and they are very upset, including the dog, that they had to borrow a coat from another dog. Unfortunately the only coat they could borrow is far too big for Bailey the dog. (Why would you call a dog after your main competitor)

As you can see the dog is suffering severe trauma. I did hear though that it looked like that from the first day it went to Weldon. To much competition from Babydoll Southdowns I think.

I was watching the children sitting in the club house after the game today. There were the Two Farr's, Michael and double glazed Callum, Bible pushing pykie Michael and Racing snake Ryan. They were communicating through the medium of their mobiles and were unable to communicate orally. In fact when I mentioned orally to them they burst into girly giggles. They got amusement by showing each other jokes that they had been sent on their phones. It reminded me of my first encounter with modern day technology. It was a pen that had an image of a fully dressed lady. When you tipped it one way it produced an image of the lady with very little attire. Heady days.

If you want a cheap leisure thingy have a word with the proprietor of Drapers Online Retail Klothes Syndicate. (DORKS for short)
This is Harald and his chief model Hilda posing in their new thingies. There is slight damage where they fell off the lorry.

Callum was well pixxed off as he thought he was getting the gig. He even bought a similar looking thingy.

Notice how Trevor in the background moves so quickly even a modern camera can not capture the image in focus.

Have a good week
Murdo

14 01 12
Hello this is Dougal. I have just got back frae Escocia celebrating the New Year. We gid it sum hammer but it's time to get back to work now.
Firstly we need to get a campaign up and running to get Jiller off in of one the earlier tee times some weeks. Ever since he accidently (allegedly) took a sip out of Tommo's beer one week he has been last off ever since. Please go to the web sit www.tommothegobshite.com and sign the petition.
Another campaign that we are starting "WHERES TOMMY" We are sadly missing Tommy's council when you are down, that friendly arm round the shoulder when you have missed a putt and of course the training, encouragement and education he gives to the Juniors in all things in life not just golf.

It was good today that Callum's Mum had sent him out with his waterproof bottoms on this week. Messing about when Tommo was demanding his pound for the kitty he managed to spread Matt's Singapore Sling over three tables, the bench and himself. It also cost him four pounds thirty three and a half pence to replace the drink. Picture to follow. If any non members are reading this we have a wide range of cocktails available at Priors. We are an up market club so membership is by invitation only. If you want to have a small insight to our world here is the recipe for a Singapore sling. With gin, cherry brandy, pineapple juice, lime juice enthusiastically shaken in ice and sieved into a tall glass with a slice of lemon for garnish.

Walter continues to be traumatised following his encounter with the Shay School of Rules. After being penalised on a two hole disqualification he quite rightly contested that and said it should be one hole only. (see below on blog 07 01 12 for details of the faux par, see what I did there). It transpires now that maybe he and Shay should have been disqualified from the competition for that day. We have sent the details to the EGU and will report back after their world rules conference in June this year. - Similar www.worldgolfchampionships.com/news/story/r476/9620232/

The reason why this is so important is whether Walter is still better of paying an extra fifty pence per competition or should he have agreed to the extra five pounds on the subs.
He has asked me to give further detailed and a better to understand breakdown of the finances on a weekly basis
Table 1.

Walter's financial record for 2012
Date	Competition	Score	Financial cost	Cumulative starting with £5	Positive / Negative
12/11/2011	Winter League Week 2	25 points	minus 50 pence	£ 4.50	positive
19/11/2011	Winter League Week 3	25 points	minus 50 pence	£ 4.00	positive
03/12/2011	Winter League Week 5	21 points	minus 50 pence	£ 3.50	positive
31/12/2011	Winter League Week 8	21 points	minus 50 pence	£ 3.00	positive
07/01/2012	Winter League Week 9	17 points	minus 50 pence	£ 2.50	positive
14/01/2012	Winter League Week 10	not posted yet	minus 50 pence	£ 2.00	positive

So Walter is right so far it is still in his interest to have paid the 50p competition entry fee rather than the £5.

Congratulations to Ketrin Keith who has just auditioned for a part in the next remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. He has got the part of second in charge of the Ompa Looumpa. The prime requisite for being an Omoa Loompa is you must be square. Ideally your waist should be the same measurement as your inside leg. For Ketrin that is twenty two inches for both. Even better he managed to get stunt double parts for Jiller and Thomas.

Thank you to my playing partners today, Racing hips Genner and Mr Draper. Everything went well until an assessment of the first nine revealed that Racing and myself had tied. "That's us all equal" spouts up Draper. " Excuse me you little bolloks, I think you will find you owe me and Racing thingy 50p each" "We will check the rules when we get back in" declares the bolloks. "What chuffin rules" I exclaim. Very unpleasant and the Bolloks never did pay..
It was nice to have my very good friend and club Captain walking around the course visiting different groups yesterday. He is such an inspiration and makes playing the game of golf so simple and easy. Thankfully his back is recovering well and we will all be glad to see him back playing.
My scores yesterday
No sign of the Captain: Par, bogey, par, (the Captain shows up): triple bogey, blob, blob, (the Captain leaves after we kindly asked him to go away) par, par, bogey, bogey par.
I think it is all the metalwork in his back that causes a magnetic field around the club causing the shaft to go in different directions.

Odd statements from yesterday.
Ash was trying to get Callum to take his bottoms off. Spooky, I thought he was Babydoll man.
Esteemed vice captain and well known Elvis impersonator Mr Lenaghan was explaining to Ash that if he takes his Babydoll Southdown to the edge of a cliff it will push back. We were not sure what he meant but he is moving to Weldon soon to get in on the day life.

We are glad to announce that both the men's and ladies have welcomed new members this week. Three new male members, DickTrickle, John Pfister and D.E.Street. Also a nice German lady has joined us who was quite a well known skier. Her name is Fanny Schmeller. So if Jiller could take the responsibility to ensure that when Thomas returns he knows it is a new member and not a new well sought after committee position.

Keep your head still and the captain in the club house.

Dougal

07 01 12br> Happy new thingy to all our readers.
I am having to fill in this week as Dougal is away still celebrating ne'erday in the Hamlet of Achadhluachrach just outside Invergarry and has not been seen since.
Firstly I would like to apologise to the McGurns and Lawmans table for not taking their photographs at the recent presentation night. This was particularly embarrassing as Cathy McGurn lent us the camera to take the photos and Maureen Lawman sold the raffle tickets for us.
Please accept my sincerest apologies and to make up for it here is a picture of the ladies at another celebration.
Thank you both for your help.
This is Cathy and Maureen promoting their new line in condoms. Maureen said they are very good and Ketrin Keith said he will let us know when he has tried them.

Thank you to Tam for kindly doing the master of ceremonies at the annual presentation night. When we have deciphered what he said we will print it.
What he did tell me though was the latest from the Shay book of rules. He was playing with Drew, Shay and Walter (who was playing one of his four competitions for the year). Unbeknown to Shay and Walter they had played the wrong balls on the first green. They realised this half way down the second fairway. The wisdom of Shay declared they were excluded from the first hole but that Walter was also excluded from the second hole as he was still using someone else's ball. Shay had taken another ball from his bag on the second tee so was using his own ball.

Following the proposal at the AGM from our esteemed Vice Captain and Elvis impersonator Mr John Lenaghan substantiated by Mr Walter Pollack that it is better to pay a fiver less in subscriptions and pay an extra 50 pence per competition we bring you an update on the feasibility. Walter maintained that he only played four competitions per year and of course would be better off.
He has asked me to report on this every week and to prove that indeed it was a sensible fiscal decision on his part.
So far he is quite right and is better off. Since the AGM he has played in five competitions meaning he is £2.50 better off than he would have been if the subs had gone up £10. On the other hand he did announce at the AGM he only played in four competitions per year. So he is technically 50p less off than he should be and off course he must be finished with competitions for the year as he is one over his usual four.
Walter has asked me to keep you informed every week how much he will be saving throughout the year.

We like to see members keeping up with technology and we are pleased to pass on a message from member Dan Portus that he now has a page on faceplook and would love other members to let him know if they have spotted it.

Callum Farr who recently moved to Weldon with his family has asked me to publicly thank his parents for his Babydoll Southdown (see picture below) he got for Christmas. They start them early in Weldon. Racing hips Ryan is reported to be not best pleased and was last seen setting off to Desborough, Bible in hand looking for Chambers.

We have had to remove the pictures of the Babydoll Southdown in the Marc Asher article below because his wife Laura, who looks about thirty years younger than him, said it was affecting their love life. Bit like his putting stroke, short and sharp.

I was going to put a picture of one of our up and coming juniors, Master Ryan Jaffray, on the blog today but his fourball behind us had lost so much ground I would have needed the Hubble telescope to get a picture.

Callum looked as sheepish as his new present this week when he was disqualified after paying his money, putting his name in the book, filled in his card then went ice skating. The Babydoll southdown was a better skater than him.

Bad day for the Farrs last week, brother Michael put his name on the twos sheet but no pound in the pot. It was only sixty quid.

With Thomas on sabbatical at the moment, Jiller is looking for a partner for the doubles, he asked Callum but he is partnering his Babydoll Southdown. If you are available please contact him directly. Ideally you should enjoy travelling (particularly in a caravan), like the company of ponies and be partial to a hedgehog burger then Jiller could be your man.

Those very fine people at the Northants Golf Union, fine body of men, have decreed this year that some members will get a County Card for free. The County Card gives you cheap golf at more than three hundred courses around the country. Next week we will print the list of people we want to go and play at these courses.

Got to go, Tommy the tanker has come to take me to an old bikes show. I am too much of a gentleman to say what old bikes we are taking.

KEEP YOUR HEAD STILL

Jack

29 12 11
Photos of the presentation night

20 12 11

This is the 2011 PHGC quiz.
This year it is called
"How smart is Marc Asher"
For those of you that don't know him please find a short bibliography.
Born in Kettering in the sixties.
He has a good job in kitchen manufacture in Northampton.
Plays off a three handicap.
Is assistant competitions and Handicap secretary.
Helps with the web site administration.
Is a regular first team player and team selector.
Nice sports car for himself and runabout for the good lady.
Too small children enjoying good health.
Parents in good health, father a member at Kettering
Seems to have his life in order, works hard, plays hard and is generally fair to everyone

All in all you would think he is a very lucky boy and obviously would not want to screw it up. But some people can't have enough and push it to the limit

So why would he want to mess with forces far greater that he could ever imagine in this world. Forces so great that they have brought far greater men him to the brink of destruction. Particularly from the Ladies section
Yes you have guessed it, that is the forces of Dougal, Murdo and Jack on the blog.

Why has he taken a life choice that could mean he ends up eating on his own at away days.
Notice the golfers behind him. One looks at him with bemusement but the other is a little squeamish in the morning and must stare into the abyss to ensure retention of his recently consumed breakfast.

He could end up with only deluded seniors sitting next to him.
But notice even the senior has a strong body language display that states I am sat here because there was no other seat but even though my bag is full I am not part of the table

Why has this poor unfortunate chosen to move out of living in the fast lane and into on coming traffic. It beggars belief.

So what has he been doing to stir the wrath of the forces of the blog.
He has chosen to cast aspersions on the speed of play of one of the editorial team.
A chance remark, a one off gripe or even a quiet word in the ear and he would probably have been okay.
But no, he wanted to move into a whole new world where not only did he choose to offer a weekly tirade of abuse he deemed to deliver it in public.
The editorial team were feeling a bit Christmassy in the beginning and initially forgave him his sins.
Despite this the accusations persisted and a friendly warning was not enough to get him back on the straight and narrow.
As I sit here listening to Charismas carols and feeling benevolent we have decided not to be too hard on him but lessons have to be learnt.

It seems strange that someone would want to take on the might of the media when they have one amongst them that has a PhD in the history, culture and traditions of the Kettering people from 1960 to 2011. In fact he came second on Mastermind with "In Kettering and Weldon is sheep sheering a job or a leisure pursuit" as his specialist subject. Not only that we have a vast array of sheep pictures that have been caught in compromising positions over the years, and over the lamp post. Thank you to Glen from Weldon for lending us his girlfriend so we could reproduce the misdemeanours in the privacy of Glen's home. Yes I thought if was strange that he has a full length lamp post in the middle of his living room. Apparently he gave Thomas 50p for it.

So what are the traits of this man and what should we be looking for.
Notice not only how far apart his eyes are but how he can adjust the distance between them. Also how they follow you round the room and how they can see through sheep shed walls, this is usually a clear sign that they will kill again soon. (Oop's sorry wrong article.)
Notice the leering shape of the mouth, a sign that another new born Babydoll Southdown has succumbed to the ravages of Kettering and Weldon past times.

Think I make this stuff up, you think a Babydoll Southdown doesn't exist. (Google it, not you Marc, you have done enough damage already)
It is very popular in the areas around Corby particularly in the south and east.

As you can see it is a cuddly type so is good for keeping warm in winter and when it has been sheered in summer it is very good for keeping warm. (I can't explain that any more).

Well is that enough to stop the alligators making these scurrilous allegations or do we need to go further. We will see how it goes this Saturday.

Just in case we have to carry the story on further Dougal has delved into the anals (this is the word we meant, not annals) of the Kettering Evening Telegraph to find more skeletons in the cupboard.

Some interesting threads that we might develop are
Romanian gypsy parents although they don't know who the mother is.
An unfortunate incident with puppies, the Kettering treasurer and why I had to leave Kettering golf club.
Is a sheep just for Christmas.
Is it true that Barbados blackbellies prefer Rum Punch to Jagermeister Red Bull bomb.

Have a great festive season.
Dougal, Murdo and Jack

03 12 11
Week 4 of the Winter League already but at least we are playing in sunshine this year instead of snow.
I was drawn to play with new Vice Captain Mr John Lenaghan, he hasn't been playing very well over the last couple of weeks but he always has a spare colostomy bag so that is a comfort if you get stuck. We were teamed against Ketrin Keith and prodigal son Mr Tommy Sheridan (Sherdo). Tommy has just returned after getting some intensive training to be a Fletcher. I am sure that is what Thomas said had been doing. I am not sure what call there is for arrow flights in this area as most people just use a knife. I think Sherdo must have been away having golf coaching because he parred the first nine holes. However my man John L, well know Elvis impersonator, played like a wee demon and we hung on for a half over the front nine. A half on the tenth kept us in the game although we lost the long drive on eleven to Sherdo again. Then my man Elvis hit the pin with his second at eleven and nailed the putt to take the match. Sherdo was gutted. I am not sure about Keith as he had gone home after the second hole, or he might as well have done, and taken me with him.

For those of you who don't know him this is a picture of Sherdo, he has to stand on a step to reach the kitchen tops.
He is most famous as a stunt double for Warwick Davis in the Ricky Gervais program Life's too Short.
He did take half the kitty today though.
The only thing Ketrin Keiff did was to deliberately put it in the bunker at the eleventh to get a gritter and he made it the shxxehouse.
When I spell check Ketrin it comes up with Katrina, that's spooky, it's Ketrin's middle name.

I promised young Michael I would post then and now photos of the Juniors. How quick they change, but I couldn't find the now picture. Sorry Michael.
They are like wee babies. The kids look young as well.

This photo was just before we played in the final and one of them wet herself with excitement. You are right, it was Tam, notice the strategically placed wet wipe.

It was a pleasure to discuss the relative merits of the recent Annual General Meeting decisions concerning the increases after the game last week. I really think we got to the bottom of the issue in the third hour of the discussion. I would like to report on the after match discussions from this week but there were windows and children present.

There are only a few tickets left for the Christmas party and presentation night. We always knew there would be a big demand for such a prestigious affair so make sure you get your ticket early.

There was news this week that Jerry is well on his way to getting his name changed by deed poll. Never truly comfortable about being a plastic jock he felt he would be more complete if he had another name. He got the idea from the recent TV programme Transsexual Summer where they were encouraged to find their inner self. In future he will be known as Jerry McMiller of Kingussie in the Cairngorms.

Unfortunately we lost one of the flock this week. Michael (I can lend you a bible if you have forgot yours) Chambers has thrown his toys out of the pram. He heard that snake hips was having sleep over's with monkey boy Callum. Reportedly they are still only at the tops and tails stage but it was enough to send bible pushing pykie Chambers into the arms of his Mum.

Nice to see Briggsy recovered from his recent illness. We knew he was okay when he shanked it on the third. He is going up to Liverpool next week to woo his gal so he is looking for someone to weld his nuts on. No monkey boy, his car wheel nuts.

No sign of of Lappin again. Since Thomas announced that Lappin's wife was pregnant he has spent the weekends at the DNA clinic. Problem is they can't find any. They are now thinking he could be the missing link. This was in the Guardian on Friday. spooky.
Pictures of the Evolution of man below (we use the term "man" loosely when we involve John)

Take the shirt off and QED. (not our words, the Guardians). Final proof is that none of them have a willy.

Glad to see the immediate past Captain the esteemed Mr Thomson has recovered from his ankle injury. Somebody tried to mug Graeme of his wallet in the town centre last week. Boy did he pick the wrong guy. Graeme nearly kicked him over the clock tower unfortunately causing severe swelling to his right ankle but luckily the wallet was still intact.. Graeme is to be charged with assault with a blunt weapon and is to get a trial for the kicker in the England rugby team. From what I seen he must be a good candidate and he can drink free beer till it comes out of every orifice so he should get on very well with the rest of the team.

Keep your head still
Dougal

19 11 11
Thank you to the two Johns, Lappin and Lenaghan, for their contribution to the Mick and Jack fund yesterday. It wasn't so much that we won the game more that they were feeling very generous after watching Children in need all Friday night. Four missed putts from a couple of feet ensured we got front, back and game. They fluked a long drive double bit on eleven but ensured that Lenaghan's heating will not be on again this week. Albeit he will probably not need it this week due to the inclement weather. Well done to my partner for the day, and winter league doubles partner

Talking of losers Thomas managed to lose a fiver to Wally and Marc after a very indifferent round. His partner Rob actually lost seven fifty but Thomas wouldn't pay the extra 50p to get in the competition so made a saving.

Thomas did give a detailed empirically proven statistical assessment of the demograph of the membership. It was post drubbing so probably wasn't as a family friendly as could nave been. I think Miller sitting with all the kids wasn't helping either.

Murdo (They just gave that bxxxxxd Dougal his job back so I am off, they can shove it)

13 11 11
Thank you to my playing partners yesterday. We had the country bumpkins versus the city slickers. It was Tony and myself versus Briggsy and Trevor's world. Trevor's world is a pain in the axx, he either gets a nine or a par. Problem is off a twenty eight handicap and getting twice as many pars as nines he is difficult to beat. He came very close to getting his tits stoved in a few times. Briggsy was still doing the decent thing by chunking his chips now and again. Briggsy did well as we finished as an eight ball and he nailed tramliner on the eleventh to pinch the game. Tony said to me "try and solve this riddle, what is the next number in this series "1" "7". I said "I am not sure". He retorted "There isn't one", "It's the holes you came in on" Ouch.
School boy error last week. Briggsy went to meet his new sweet heart in Liverpool and never put his lock nuts on. Oh! and he had his wheels pinched as well.

Big news of the day was that our esteemed John Lappin ex London bus driver, ex merchant seaman, boat builder, Veterans Cup winner and ugly bxxxxxd is to become a father. At the sprightly age of 63 John asked me to publicly thank Yellow pages for helping him get someone in. His concubinal partner gushed that they know the baby is to be a boy and to ensure that baby is named after the father he will be called Priors Lappin. We wish them all well over the coming months.

Handicap and Competition secretary Mr Robert Draper enjoying some quality time in the crèche. (Notice how I put a thingy on top of the e in crèche, real posh eh!)

Note Thomas tying to edge over towards the crèche. It's nothing sinister, he was trying to get away from Miller and Ketrin.

Thank you to Mrs Ketrin Keith who let him come to golf this week even though he still had the remnants of the sniffles. He was a good boy and never took his scarf and mittens off. (tied together with string of course.

Well done to Thomas Smith for hole of the day. A duck hook drive on the tenth landed in the hazard on the right of the eleventh. Play was held up for a few minutes while we cleared the fourball on the eleventh tee for Health and Safety reasons. His thinned rescue to the edge of the green was followed by a scuff putt to three feet. His fourth dropped in the back of the hole and Thomas celebrated his first par of the day. Just an afterthought, Lappin's partner wanted to call the baby Thomas Priors Lappin just to be extra sure they got the fathers name in there but John said no.

Some bad news is that Dougal is back. He won his case at the Industrial Tribunal and we had to give him his old job back. If you have forgotten he reported that Scotland beat England in the recent International match. The Judge ruled that any right minded person would have made the same mistake. His brother Murdo has put his notice in because Dougal is stoating about the place like Fudd after a tryst with Terry. Talking of Fudd I can't believe we let him take the kitty yesterday. The sxxxxr shows up twice a year and always takes the money.

The King is dead, long live the King. We have a new leadership team now. Graeme's tenure is now finished. I am so glad I don't think my liver could take much more. It wasn't pickled with the amount of drink he was buying , it had dried out.

Caught this one with my new camera that takes a trillion frames per nano second.

Tam with his mouth closed. CoaB.

Thank you to Jeff who made me buy new irons last week. The Unique Selling Point (UPS) was that you do not need to have a practice swing with these new Titlist clubs. At least I am duffing it quicker now.

For the senior members I will not be there on Wednesday ATD. Don't forget to BTW. I was sorry to hear that Kevin Simpkin was caught by the police DWI. Update on the drugs situation, my FWBB will be back in town next week. OMSG to the Lady members during our match last week, a bit involuntary I think you will find. I LMDO when that Irish Lady member slipped on her fecking erse on the walkway on the first.
Got to go and FTP, trouble is I am ROFL and CGU.
TTYL make sure your HAIO.

Jack
Keep your head still, Dougal will be back next week.

04 11 11
After much discussions and negotiations John Lenaghan's App has agreed with our App an undisclosed sum for permission to use his picture on our web site. Last weeks blog is now updated with the relevant picture. (see below) We fully understand Mr Lenaghan's stance as international celebrities must be careful where their products are placed.

30 10 11
We are sorry to announce that the committee saw fit to let Dougal go. A tribunal consisting of Robert Draper, Marc Asher and Jeff Bradbrook thought that him getting the result of the international match wrong was serious enough to fire his ass. What chance did he have with all those English shxtxrs sitting in judgment. I feel for Dougal Who would have thought the second rate English team would get a result.
On the good side Dougal's brother Murdo has also found himself between engagements and has agreed to be the deputy acting chief vice president of the publication.
Welcome to the Blog Murdo.

I was a bit shocked yesterday to se that current items Ryan and chief window Callum were both dressed in identical ensembles. With grey real imitation woollen jerseys and shiny black trousers from the well known store Matt Alan. Talk about them coming out of the closet, I think they both live in the same wardrobe. They refused to a photo as they are still awaiting the results of a recent photo shoot to be on the front cover of Hoodie's Weekly.
Local hoodie Kieran got them the gig. Talking of Lawman's I thought I had heard it all when Stevie Farr announced he couldn't play on a Sunday because his wife only lets him play once per weekend. Upon inquiring of the whereabouts of his father to young Kieran he readily announced "My Mum won't let him come out to play golf because he has is sick and couldn't go to work". I asked what was wrong with him and he said "He has a red nose, is looking very thin and is a bit of a grey colour. Yes I replied but how do you know he is sick. Get well Ketrin Keith, some of the boys will go short this week without the guaranteed income from you.

What happened yesterday. Our esteemed Vice Captain elect, well known Elvis impersonator, passive communist, octogenarian and top level gyrator John Lenaghan finally won some money in the 12 o'clock clique. He immediately phoned June and told her to get two Scotch pies from the butchers and put the heating on low. They would be luke warm and lightly satiated that night.
He thought he had lost his well earned booty for a while before he realised it was stuck on his forehead.

No Thomas again yesterday, this is getting to be a bit of a habit. Lorraine broke down and Thomas thought her battery was flat. He should have bought those ones that keeps the rabbit going.

Thank you to Craig John for partnering me yesterday and thank you for your continuous support and affirmation of ones ability during the round.

Chubby cheeks after I birdied the first

Craig after I missed the 2 footer on 6

Craig after I missed the 1 footer on 15

Craig paying out money to Jerry

Remember keep your head still.

See you soon.

Jack